I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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