I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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