It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
