I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
