I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
do herpes really smell.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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