Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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