oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
