I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
it's like heaven, but drunker
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
