dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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