it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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