Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
