I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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