I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
