I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
