...so i touched it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
