I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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