i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
