So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
