Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
