if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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