come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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