My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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