the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
