She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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