i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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