I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
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tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
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I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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