Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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