I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
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I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
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I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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