Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
