sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
