I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
