If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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