dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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