Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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