It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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