Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
