handjob tips. give me some.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My feet surprised me
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
