I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
