well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
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They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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