i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
