I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
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I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
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Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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