Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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