My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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