theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
