My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
