Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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