You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
