Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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