You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
