There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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