State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My vagina just clenched in fear
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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