My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
