If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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