Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
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Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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