Plan B is the new Plan A
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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