You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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