If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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