I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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