I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
