What did we do last night that was yellow?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
